Indian Stock Markets - an analysis of the analysts

Statutory warning/disclaimer: All characters appearing below are fictitious. They are not modeled after any real world individuals. Even if they are, I am not admitting that here. But they are not. Though their names might rhyme with some real world characters with same surnames. That's just a coincidence. God promise.

Scene: Studio of CNBC-TV18, India's premier business channel. 11:00 IST on a normal trading day in the markets. The anchor, one of the few on Indian television with a stable emotional quotient, is running a phone-in investment advisory show. The advisors on the show are the heavyweights of Indian Investing, each with his/her own unique methodology. The heavy lingo is subtexted and parenthesized for the layperson where appropriate.


Udayan Mukherji : Markets are moving sideways today, and might remain range-bound until the news flows consolidate and the new momentum leaders emerge.
( stocks are moving up and down. Some are moving up and some are moving down. I have no clue why, but I am sure that some stocks will continue to move up and down and I dare you to prove me wrong. )

Lets take a caller now. Please go ahead with your question now, ma'am.

Unsuspecting Caller : Sir, I have bought 1000 stocks of Super Hit Info Tech Ltd at 500Rs each. Now the stock is trading at 20Rs. What should I do?

(The correct answer to this question would be - "You got screwed. It happens to most clueless investors in the stock markets. Accept that reality and move on to better things in life". But the "experts" couldn't say that. )


Lotmany Gujral: If u look at the stock curve for SHIT Ltd, you will see a pattern emerging. The 30 day moving average dropped from 36 to 24. If it rises to 36, it will form a typical Pamela Anderson pattern. This pattern indicates large volumes and rapid rise not based on fundamentals. One may ride this upsurge to book large profits.
(Technical Analysis, Shmechnical Analysis. I have no clue. Never had one. Anyway, why are you even asking me? I've never got a prediction right in my life. Wait! Shit, this is my livelihood and I am too unfit for any physical labour! I take that all back. Technical Analysis rules. Please keep calling me back on this channel. )


Bhayankar Sharma: Look, it doesnt matter if you are running downhill inside a speeding train which is moving uphill. The fact of the matter is, India is in a secular long term bear market interspersed with brief stints of bull runs. Look what happened with JP Associates. It was once at 1000 levels and now its languishing at 200 levels.
( What makes you think that I will answer a question, any question? I reserve the right to express a tangential opinion on broad macro economics, which I understand better than anyone else. Especially after the event. And I hate the fact that I missed out on the JP Associates story. Damn those bulls! I love myself. I think I might even be in love with myself. I am one sexy stud. Did I trim my moustache right today? )


Amir Arora: Udayan, at the end of the day, the market is always right. The only thing that matters is how much money you took off the table. IT sector is experiencing strong headwinds, but who is to say that they wont reinvent themselves?
( Did I just break my streak of answering every question with some metaphysical mumbo jumbo? Or worse, did I actually give out any real stock recommendations? Guess not... Its all good. )


Rock-esh TunTunwala: I don't think this SHIT ltd is an attractive investment. There are much better investments at current levels. Look at the numbers for Global Soft, it's in the same space, but has a high growth trajectory and cash on books. Its trading at an attractive P/E multiple of 200. Who am I to judge fundamentals? Market is always right.
( I don't own a stake in SHIT Ltd. I do have a stake in Global Soft. That's the only fundamental that matters. I rock, bcos my name is rockesh. )

More Chuck Norris facts

There's been a spate of Chuck Norris facts all around me; email forwards, twitter updates, facebook status'es... Couldnt resist making some up :)

- Nobody knows Chuck Norris' blood group... because nobody ever made Chuck Norris bleed.

- Chuck Norris doesn't carry a credit card, he always pays by Chuck.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need a deodorant; he never breaks a sweat.

- Chuck Norris doesn't use a search engine; he knows where everything is.

- Chuck Norris doesnt use any mode of transport; he just leaps and the earth rotates till his destination is beneath him.

- God created Hell so that the baddies could relax after being thrashed by Chuck Norris.

- Lions weren't endangered; until they got into an argument with Chuck Norris about who has better facial hair.

- The earth doesnt rotate; Chuck Norris uses it as a treadmill.

- There are no donkeys in the US; they all know that Chuck Norris likes to whoop some ass.

- When Chuck Norris is in The Matrix, he's not The One; he's The Only One.

- Volcanoes are a myth; sometimes Chuck Norris has too much baked beans.